Day 331 of my 31st year now marks a most regrettable milestone: That's when, as far as I can tell, I was visited for the first time ever by honest to God hatred. As of this posting I'm still very much under its spell—awake for most of three days, way beyond reach of all reason and self-interrogation, not to mention totally impervious to both Xanax and Jägermeister. The whole time in fact I've just been sitting here, chewing my lip and grinding my teeth as my mind spirals further and further into chaos—what I can only describe as the inexorable yet sublime rush of my humanity slipping away. And the longer it continues, the more hopelessly addicted I become; indeed it's almost as gratifying as love. At the same time, however, it is a cruel paradox, as I can assure you my feelings of shame and self-loathing are even more overwhelming than my desire to punish the object of this rage. What's more, I find it beyond comprehension, and frankly just plain scary, that I could possibly feel this way about someone I've never even met.
But make no mistake—I do in no uncertain terms wish him all the most hellish suffering imaginable and then some. Because he possesses what in the first 11,284 days of my existence on this earth is the most precious creature I've ever seen or touched, and being the despicable maggot that he is, he actually possesses her from a fucking prison cell. The clincher, though, is that his blindness to this amazing treasure is exactly what put him in his current predicament. So to be perfectly clear, it's not at all a matter of his wickedness; rather, his stupidity, his stupidity, and also his utter stupidity are what inspire this pitiless derision. Perhaps that makes me all the more depraved; I don't know. But I do know that nothing less than a lengthy audience with this piece of human refuse can possibly stop all the venom coursing through me. And so it's already being arranged. In the meantime, I do apologize for my own lower lifeform-like behavior. And I promise I will be a person again as soon as possible.
Thanks for reading by the way.
Addendum 5.12.06: Three weeks later it’s apparent he won’t be at all bothered with my request. And though I’m tempted to send a more urgent follow-up, perhaps with a few juicy disclosures that would virtually guarantee an acknowledgement, for now I’ve decided just to let the matter rest.
But make no mistake—I do in no uncertain terms wish him all the most hellish suffering imaginable and then some. Because he possesses what in the first 11,284 days of my existence on this earth is the most precious creature I've ever seen or touched, and being the despicable maggot that he is, he actually possesses her from a fucking prison cell. The clincher, though, is that his blindness to this amazing treasure is exactly what put him in his current predicament. So to be perfectly clear, it's not at all a matter of his wickedness; rather, his stupidity, his stupidity, and also his utter stupidity are what inspire this pitiless derision. Perhaps that makes me all the more depraved; I don't know. But I do know that nothing less than a lengthy audience with this piece of human refuse can possibly stop all the venom coursing through me. And so it's already being arranged. In the meantime, I do apologize for my own lower lifeform-like behavior. And I promise I will be a person again as soon as possible.
Thanks for reading by the way.
Addendum 5.12.06: Three weeks later it’s apparent he won’t be at all bothered with my request. And though I’m tempted to send a more urgent follow-up, perhaps with a few juicy disclosures that would virtually guarantee an acknowledgement, for now I’ve decided just to let the matter rest.
4 comments:
I'd say you were lucky to make it to year 31 without experiencing this kind of hate.
My last bout has been going on for 2+ years now.
I can't begin to tell you how much better those two sentences make me feel. This is exactly why it matters to me that you read my stuff. Don't forget it.
Glad you're glad I read this because before I visited tonight to see whether you had responded to my comment, I was thinking that it was somewhat awkward that we're having this as an e-conversation--I mean, I do park at your house ~6 days/week and we talk or see one another at least 50% of those days.
I guess there's something different and valuable about a written exchange.
Wow... I scrawl through hundreds of these, and yours is really well written. I'll be back.
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